Hello blogosphere, I’m back! Although I really should be finishing my 30-Day Blog Challenge instead of starting a brand new random post about my own social shortcomings. But since when do I follow the rules? Well that depends on the kind of rules to which we’re referring. Hey, look at me! My first real blog entry in almost two months and I’m already off topic!

Getting to the point

There is a behavior from which I cannot escape. I call it the “too cool for school” syndrome.

According to my closest friends, I’m good company. I won’t repeat specific compliments and I hope this does not sound cocky; it’s just what I’ve been told. When I’m around a certain girl, however, I suddenly turn into this distant, dull, monotonously boring person with bad posture. I think it’s a physical response to the subconscious belief in the age-old mantra “nice guys finish last.” In other words, I think I’m subconsciously acting aloof in an effort to show this girl why she should want to want me. Are you still with me?

Even in the middle of conversation, when I consciously recognize the symptoms–monotone voice, snarky jokes, passive attitude–I can’t seem to make myself perk up and be what I know I am: witty, funny, outgoing, chivalrous, confident, and downright charming.

I do feel like an outsider when I’m around her, so I would conjecture that I am acting out of intimidation and a perceived lack of situational control, though I know this girl well and she’s a total sweetheart and beloved daughter of Christ.

I hate it because I honestly believe I could be the perfect man for her but I foul up all of my few opportunities to showcase it. I base this theory of excellent compatibility on shared: moral values, spiritual faith, lifestyle choices, hobbies, personal passions, and professional ambitions. That’s a heck of a resume for attraction, but I don’t think she will realize all of these things for another two-three years (she’s a bit younger than me, hence the social outsider conundrum) and by then she will probably be in a long-term relationship with a boy that is not me. He will be a true gentleman of sound character because she has excellent judgement like that, but he will not appreciate her multi-layered beauty and grace the way that I do.

Don’t be fooled: I’m not in love. But I know the potential to be when I feel it.

I just had an interesting revelation as I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep. I had to write it down (or type it out, rather) because I’m certain I wouldn’t have remembered it by morning.

You know that paranoia that people face in the early stages of attraction to another person? It’s the feeling that you’re not good enough for them, like they’re out of your league. You get a little afraid that they are going to overlook you, and that if you don’t do better [at life], you will lose them. Let’s call it… the “pedestal conviction“. I hypothesize that this is actually a very very good indication that one’s feelings for that person are virtuous.

When two people see each other for awhile, it’s rather common that one person will have feelings of inferior worth. Like your other half is better than you, that you don’t deserve them. Good. I mean bad, but if you receive these feelings in a healthy manner, it is actually quite good.

It is a virtue. A sort of tangent on a very overlooked biblical command for relationships, which is to build each other up; to inspire one another. Your partner should make you want to be a better person. They should raise the bar for your personal life. They should inspire you to live better. If you don’t feel motivated to be better for your partner’s sake, then either they’re no good for you or you’re drowning in your own self-satisfaction.

For we Christians, the latter is just the kind of pompous arrogance that should warn us that we need to reevaluate our own selfish ambitions. Humility is a very undervalued personality trait in today’s society. I am guilty of not having enough of it, I can tell you that with certainty. But now I’m getting off topic, so it’s time to say goodnight.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and to be loved in return.”

That’s one of my most favorite quotes because I believe it to be wholly and completely true. The scenario it presents is double-sided: (1) to love someone, and (2) to be loved by that person. When both of these occur simultaneously, the result is “the greatest thing” ever. That’s why God gave Eve to Adam.

But… if either of these two halves occurs without the other, it can have a directly opposite effect: utterly helpless grief. That’s my paradox. That’s my fear. That’s my paranoia.

I met this girl recently. All you need to know is that she is terrific. She dances, she sings, and she acts. She loves Jesus, she’s got a heart of gold, and she’s even on Twitter. And she’s beautiful! Her eyes are blue like the sky on a sunny day (I think… we haven’t really had many sunny days recently). And as far as I can tell, we’re hitting things off. “As far as I can tell” – can you really ever tell what a woman is thinking? But we have all kinds of things in common and we enjoy many fun times together whether alone or with a group of mutual friends. And she’s kind of a Facebook stalker, which of course I think is awesome.

So sets in the paranoia. Naturally you want to know if someone views you in the same light as you view them. I like this girl, and so it has become a balancing act. Coming on too strong will chase her off. Not coming on at all puts a guy in “the friend zone” which is hellish when you like someone. So I’m paranoid that by thinking about it too much, I’m bound to screw up somehow. You know, self-fulfilling prophecy and all that nonsense.

Quite frankly, I’m also scared of confronting her with a “DTR” talk because to do so would admit feelings and initiate the first half of the above equation. What if she isn’t feeling the attraction that I am? That would suck. But I guess it’s better to find out sooner than later, right? I feel like I’ve offered enough advice in my day that could be directly applied to the current state of my personal affairs but for some reason, it’s only easy to advise on one’s circumstances when you don’t have a personal stake in them. I wish I had an archive of all the advice I’d ever given people. Then I could go back and read it all again as if someone was giving it to me for the 741st time.

4/13/2011 Edit: I did present my feelings to her, and she did not reciprocate.

I haven’t spoken of this girl to anyone, so if you think you know who it is… you probably don’t. Usually when I confide in someone about a girl, it never works out. That’s a cycle I’d like to see ended.

Often in real life and occasionally on my blog, I like to play the role of a generously blunt, honest, third-party onlooker when it comes to my friends and their relationships with other people, romantic or otherwise.

So why is it that when I find myself in a circumstance similar to the ones I hear most often about, I quite certainly will unconsciously overlook the very same advice that I have dealt to others in the past.

Such is the case now. Having acknowledged the situation, hopefully I will recognize it better in the days/weeks/months ahead. However, if anyone reads this and feels so burdened as to offer some of my own advice back to me, it may serve a very noble purpose.

If you do not wish to know what my circumstance is, you are excused from reading further.

OK so…

I met this girl, whose name will remain hidden except from the two-three of you that already know it. When I first saw her, I did not think anything more about her than what goes through my head every time I come across a girl in Athens. “She’s breathtaking. Too bad she probably sucks as a person.”

Well as it turns out, I was kind of forced into talking to her (long story) only to find out that she’s actually a sweetheart, quite bright, terribly cunning, and still utterly breathtaking. She has one trait, however, that I stands apart from any other girl I’ve ever met: she’s complex. I don’t mean your moody, unpredictable, creative, talented complex, I mean complex like “this is the reason I have a blog” complex. She over-analyzes everything in life and how it’s going to affect her future, just like I do. She connects to the minds of people around her and tries to decipher them. The only girl I’ve known to come close to this level of complexity stole my heart away and trampled it to the ground in Colorado.

“What are they thinking? How did they feel about that?” “How do they feel about me?” “Did they understand what just happened?” “Do they understand what I just said?” “Of course they said they understood, but do they really understand?”

This girl has the same indescribable complexity that so often drives me to insanity because I feel like no one ever sees the world the way I do.

Before I start rambling I’d better get to my point. All you need to know is that this girl has a spark. I’ve recognized the spark, but a spark isn’t something you can just grab and run with. You’ll blow it out by running too fast. It must be handled delicately, precariously.

She has a boyfriend. She’s confided some things to me about the relationship that lead me to believe that she’s unhappy being in it. Maybe she feels trapped or is afraid of being single (I believe the latter, though she said she wasn’t when I asked… typical response), but for whatever reason, she is still relationship’d with said boyfriend.

Ugh… I hate that word. Boyfriend.

We get along terrifically, though for reasons that I cannot explain here, we literally almost never spend any time together in a social environment. Only two-and-a-half times so far, and I’ve known her for… let’s see… since August 28 makes it… almost 7 weeks to the day since I spoke to her for the first time. The first social outing was legitimate. Dinner at Chick-fil-A (LOVE me some Chick-fil-A!). The second was when I helped her move out of her old place and into a new one (her bf showed up, bleh), and the half-a-time was when I was downtown one night and she dropped by the bar we were in to say hello. Then she was gone again.

So… I want to spend some time with her, but I can’t keep asking her to do stuff while she has a boyfriend, no matter how lousy the guy may be for her. And I can’t woo a girl with my wit when we don’t spend any time together. And then there’s some politics I won’t go into here.

My conviction is that I need to convince myself that she is just another treacherously attractive, shallow, arrogant, alcoholic female from suburban Atlanta with a mouth like a sailor. Then I can cross her off the list and go back to being miserably single again. That’s all I really want. That’s my comfort zone.