Category Archives: Psychology/Behavior

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship

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But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them - The Onion

I would call attention to two statements in this article:

  1. “…you’re more like a brother that I’ve drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again.”
    Any physical intimacy is sucker punching the one that possesses romantic feelings.
  2. “You’ll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I’ll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her…”
    This is an extension of human nature. We all want what we can’t have; in this case, it’s a bit subconscious. The girl probably doesn’t intentionally become flirtatious, but in the moment it seems harmless because they’ve been friends for so long and let’s face it – he’s been flirting with her his whole life. She won’t perceive her behavior as abnormal or malicious, but the onus falls on her to recognize that the entrapped boy’s relationship is an opportunity for her to purposely create space between herself and him. She should get out of the picture because she knows from the past the her presence makes him weak.

Too Much Time To Think

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In all my days, there have only been a handful of girls that have caused me to stutter and be short of breath. Literally, I can count them on one hand. There was one as a freshman in high school, another as a senior, then one my sophomore year of college (she turned up again 2 years later), my second year out of college, and now… this one. Apparently I stumble into this hopeless romanticism every two years.

The trouble is… I’m a punk. While I have a good mind to walk right up to these ladies and say “I hope you have a dustpan handy, because I’m about to sweep you off your feet,” I feel powerless to do so. Usually I am very confident and assertive, but in the proximity of these individuals I have proven over and over that I am incapable of coherent thought.

Take today for example. I am walking along the sidewalk when 50 feet ahead of me in a crowd of people I see “the girl.” 50 feet. That is just enough space to wonder if it’s actually her, and just enough time for all my powers of speech to disown me. She’s radiating beauty, and I’m fast approaching from behind. She is with friends. They are taking photos. So what do I do? Well of course, I walk right past her — near enough she probably felt the subtle draft of a body moving close by. I probably photo-bombed her picture too, accidentally, but I kept walking. Nevermind that she is standing in the door of my destination. To stop is to make a fool of myself, or at least that’s how I subconsciously justify my flight.

Must. Captivate. I should have stopped and said “Oh wow, hey! I didn’t expect to see you here, you look great! Who are your friends? Hi, hello, nice to meet you… so you gals think you’re actually going to meet a celebrity by being here? You do? Well you’re the prettiest girls in the whole bunch, so he’s a fool if he overlooks you. I gotta get going though, I’m meeting some friends for dinner. Have y’all eaten? You have plans? Alright then, I’ll see you later. Good luck!”

You only live once, right? The God of Heaven and Earth created me the same as He created her, right? What have I got to lose, right? I’m nothing but flesh and blood just like she’s nothing but flesh and blood… and perfect hair… and a mysterious smile… and kind eyes… right?

/:)

5 Love Languages

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Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages®, a book by Gary Chapman? If you’re like me, you probably have heard of it but you’ve never read it. Click the link and skim over what the 5 languages are, then come back here and keep reading.

Are you pretty confident that you know which one or two languages are your love language? Which ones did you pick? For me, I’ve felt for years that I was an obvious candidate for “physical touch.” I love cuddling, I am a big fan of hugs, and when I feel the warmth of a body against mine (don’t take that to be dirty – it isn’t intended as such), I get relaxed and feel a very strong bond with that person.

However, someone recently was telling me about their love language and I gave the five of them another look. And if I am to be honest with myself and the people around me, I have to admit… I think I am a strong fiver. Reflecting on all five acts being performed to me, FOR me, I can think of numerous instances in my life when these acts have brought me to tears.

My conclusion is dreadful. I am so unaccustomed to have generosity bestowed upon me that when it happens, it moves me in a way that is always unexpected.

To me, this is dreadful because I want to believe that I am in control of my emotions at all times. The effect: I have become, quite honestly, emotionless. I absorb pain and anguish, I build up defenses, and I carry on as if I don’t care. In a word, I am cynical with regard to everything under the sun.

This blog entry is still a work in progress.

Just Friends? Epiphany

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Background

It struck me that sometimes when I find a girl attractive, and we’ve been spending time together through some mutual activity (student ministry, a show, a class project, etc.), I cannot escape having romantic thoughts about her even if she makes it clear that she is disinterested in such a relationship. We’re still friends, but we’re not involved.

Conundrum

So why, when the relationship is clearly defined as non-romantic, do I feel like I am asking her on a date every single time I call about hanging out socially? If I cease to call, she’ll still send a sporadic TXT or Facebook Chat from time to time, but having actual human contact will not happen I make the request to do so. Maintaining a friendship like this becomes very cumbersome to the point that if I were to stop “asking her out on a date” (because that’s what if feels like I’m doing) then we’d cease to even be friends.

Let’s quickly make sure we’re on the same page about friendship:

Friends – Two people who, when living within a five-mile radius of one another, engage in regular social activities. If we’re not hanging out, we’re not friends. That’s how I see it.

Disconnect

So what makes these pesky girls different from other female friends I already have? For a couple of my current friends I used to experience the same romantic tendencies, so why now can I face them and be satisfied with our “just friends” status where with other girls I cannot?

Explanation

To be friends requires a balanced relationship. Give and take. Invite and be invited.

If the girl is sitting back and expecting the boy to handle social invitations of every kind, then it becomes difficult to separate his actions from the feeling that he is courting the young lass. Thanks, traditionalism.

Solution

So ladies, if there is a boy in your life who likes you and you don’t like him (in that way), let me offer advice: call him once in a while and balance the relationship. Unless you do NOT want to even be friends with this person (in which case you should not be sending TXTs or Skype chats), toss him some invitations so that he doesn’t have to waste dating effort on you, a girl that is just his friend.

“Too Cool For School” Syndrome

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Hello blogosphere, I’m back! Although I really should be finishing my 30-Day Blog Challenge instead of starting a brand new random post about my own social shortcomings. But since when do I follow the rules? Well that depends on the kind of rules to which we’re referring. Hey, look at me! My first real blog entry in almost two months and I’m already off topic!

Getting to the point

There is a behavior from which I cannot escape. I call it the “too cool for school” syndrome.

According to my closest friends, I’m good company. I won’t repeat specific compliments and I hope this does not sound cocky; it’s just what I’ve been told. When I’m around a certain girl, however, I suddenly turn into this distant, dull, monotonously boring person with bad posture. I think it’s a physical response to the subconscious belief in the age-old mantra “nice guys finish last.” In other words, I think I’m subconsciously acting aloof in an effort to show this girl why she should want to want me. Are you still with me?

Even in the middle of conversation, when I consciously recognize the symptoms–monotone voice, snarky jokes, passive attitude–I can’t seem to make myself perk up and be what I know I am: witty, funny, outgoing, chivalrous, confident, and downright charming.

I do feel like an outsider when I’m around her, so I would conjecture that I am acting out of intimidation and a perceived lack of situational control, though I know this girl well and she’s a total sweetheart and beloved daughter of Christ.

I hate it because I honestly believe I could be the perfect man for her but I foul up all of my few opportunities to showcase it. I base this theory of excellent compatibility on shared: moral values, spiritual faith, lifestyle choices, hobbies, personal passions, and professional ambitions. That’s a heck of a resume for attraction, but I don’t think she will realize all of these things for another two-three years (she’s a bit younger than me, hence the social outsider conundrum) and by then she will probably be in a long-term relationship with a boy that is not me. He will be a true gentleman of sound character because she has excellent judgement like that, but he will not appreciate her multi-layered beauty and grace the way that I do.

Don’t be fooled: I’m not in love. But I know the potential to be when I feel it.